Tuesday, October 10, 2006


FECK ME! Where did that year go ????

....and it ain't bloody over yet !

Nuthin' but feckin' trouble . But I'm loosing some of me shine , that's for sure . The Harney one told me she was gettin' off-side "....to get better acq....aqua.....acuaq..... - to get to know Brian better" (BAD mental picture there :-( ) but now I know that she not only stitched ME up , but McDowell as well ! Jaysis but how the hell did we ever let her leave Fianna Fail ? A great stroke , even if it did land me in the brown stuff .

Better end for now , voters - there's a few lads over there in Manchester that are not very United in their approach to me at this moment , and I wanna try and salvage whats left of me rep with 'em - might just be looking for a job from them soon .....

Yours ,

The Bert .

Saturday, October 22, 2005


KERRY KREMLIN ....told ya not to mess with me ...

...but ya just would'nt listen , would ya , Liamo ... ?

I might be stuck down here in the arsehole of the Kingdom , but Jasus I can still keep in touch with the real word - and still get things done , too ....

Told him to back off , that I'd let him keep his pension and wha'ever few bob he had skied away ...but the fecker was'nt happy with tha' . Wanted more , so he did . A REAL Fianna Failer , God bless the mark ! But he had...eh....a few notes on me and on some of the other Boys , too ....

So - I mentioned me problem to Gerry and Marty during one of our many get-togethers , and ...eh...well ... took their advice ... sure they told me tha's how they deal with their ...problem people ....they even offered to do the job for me ! Ah sure go ahead , lads , sez I .....and I'll keep yis in mind for when things get even tougher for yis in the future with yer own people ....

Let tha' be a lesson to yis all - voters and FF members - the 'Drummer Mafia' don't take no messin' ......

...now - back to this shower o' bloody half-wits .....


Monday, September 05, 2005


Think I'll stay in Cavan...

....yeah - seriously !

What a fecking bummer - back from the holliers , ready for action ....

Then one of me plebs here tells me tha' I gotta go to bleedin' Cavan , of all places , for some meetin' or other with a couple o'hundred FF rednecks and other assorted party types .... jaysus ....then back to Leinster House where the Hobb's fella is stirring thing up over prices ....the PD's are stirring things up over the three 'Ra lads ....the Kenny chap , the bleedin' Blueshirt , is sniping from all angles at me ...

I'm gonna get a bolocking here in Cavan from in-house , but if I go back to me Office ...sure I'll get a bolocking , too , from everyone else ! Us socialists have it hard alright ...

Anyways - I called me mate Gerry (Hickey , that is - me Programme Manager wha' doubles as a 'Special Adviser' to me ) and says to him - " Listen , Ger - can ya cover for me here at this blood-letting and I'll sneak back to me Office to get ready for the onslaught from Kenny and Rabbitte and the rest of them .... " .....jaysus but he nearly lept down me throat - " No , Taoiseach " , says he , " ....that would send out the wrong message to the media ... blah... blah.... blah ...."

Feck sake - sometimes I wonder why it is we pay that man €4016 .33 cents a week ....

....but sure tha's tha' , then ...gotta face the music ......


Monday, June 27, 2005



The 'Court Case' thing with Anto Blair is going as planned , so far : I'm throwin' all de shapes at him , as we agreed , and he's playing the ' Bad Cop' , refusing to deal with the bombing thingy - that was when 74 people died in 1934 in two bombings in Dub ..... wha's tha' , Denise ? (Kavanagh , that is - one of me 'Personal Assistants' !) - Oh yeah .... eh ... it was actually 34 people that died . In 1974 . Right so ....
Well , whatever the thing is about ; sure it's bleedin' great to live up to the Fianna Fail tag as 'The Republican Party' . UP YA BOY YA ..... !!

The roof blows off the feckin' thing and the rain pisses in and now the water is pissing out of it ! But sure wha' do ya expect for only €62 million ?
Jaze but tha' would'nt keep me in blusher for a full term !
But feck yis all anyway , begrudgers as well -the holliers kick-in this Friday and I'm off 'till September so all ye non-Fianna Fail voters can do like the aque.... aqqua.... eh ... that bleedin' roofless place with the faulty pipes or whatever and piss off !

" We're all goin' on a , summer holiday ...... "

Bertie .

Thursday, June 23, 2005



Oh Sweet Jasus !

Them fecking foreigners over in Brussels have a near punch-up , and me within camera-shot :
took me bleedin' years to culta...culltiv....... eh .... get this here image of a 'International Statesman' and those lads near ruin it for me in one shoutin' match .

And then that bolix Blair practically ignores me after I give the media the script we had agreed on re the bombing case-thingy that I'm supposed to be so hot-up about : " Yes indeed - I told Mr. Blair that I will take this case all the way to Europe if necessary .... blah blah blah ..." ! .
He was supposed to act rattled over that ..... but the swine just sneered at the camera when 'my' comments were outlined to him ! Will I never bleedin' learn - DON'T TRUST THE BRITS ! Feck that , anyway ...

But Jimmy Mac ; a feckin' disaster !
McDaid has been trying to keep in with his garda mates in Donegal , and has attempted to open up the McBrearty thing again - this time in favour of his bent copper buddies . What a tosser ; can only hope he was ...eh.... 'tired and emotional' ... when he done that . He's gonna havta go - Yvonne (Graham , that is - another one of me 'Personal Advisers' !) suggested that we put out the rumour that the cattle-dealer fella in Donegal was killed by a drunk-driver who was driving on the wrong side of the road ..... jasus but I like that girl's style ! Wonder why she's only on €936.16 cents a week ..... ??

I'm off now , voters : me make-up is startin' to run .....


Sunday, May 29, 2005



Bleedin' waste of a week : hate tha' !

I was hopin' we had confined the party in-fightin' to the Flynnstones Gang in Mayo - but did'nt an old wound in Meath open up again .

Jayses but I can't run the world AND look after Meath as well , so I sent one of the boys down - Minister Dempsey ; it's his turf and Noely Dempsey is our Chief whahsit for 'Communications' so I sez to him , says I - "Listen , Nollaig , those feckin' PD's and their hangers-on have soaked-up so much of the gravy train that there just is'nt enough left to share with yer bogger mates in Nobber and Navan and the rest of that swamp . Tell 'em the party'll remember them when we get Harney's monkey off our back . "

It sounded a good plan when Murphy ( Brian , that is - another of me 'Special Advisors' )
suggested it to me . But do ya think we could get those bleedin' Meath muck-spreaders to back off ? Not for a minute .

Sure I'm worse for listening to the likes of Brian Murphy - no wonder he's only on €1745.50 cents a week - when I shoulda known that our own members would'nt be fooled by a Fianna Fail 'promise' ! They may well be all culchies in Meath , right 'nuff , but they're not that stupid !

Havta go now - I've to see to it that Olive (Melvin , that is - one of me 'Personal Assistants ')
prepares two scripts for me , one in case they loose the vote in France and one in case we win it ! Worryin' times for us Statesmen , so it is ..

Bertie .

( PS - have just been told that Olive is on even less that Brian - she only makes €1066.50 cents a week . Could be in trouble here ... )

Sunday, May 22, 2005



The first thing I says to meself was - " What a bleedin' waste ! "

But then I was told that it was'nt Bass that was in the pint glass that that young-fella threw at Johnny Monty in Fagan's Pub , so I relaxed a bit .
Don't understand why the row started , but - so wha' if the Brits were wavin' their Union Johns and singin' Roole Britta... eh ... Briitan ... their national anthem ? Sure Anto B. is always at that , in me face , whenever I visit him in Number Ten !

The smartest thing is to get yer own back imedd... eh ... imeedia... there and then : so I do be singin' OUR national anthem while Anto is singin' his . And I've a powerful voice , so I have . Sure I'm told ya can hear me singin' the chorus in Number 9 and Number 11 - " Oh its so lonely 'round the fields of Athenry .... " Bleedin' magic !

Anyways - got to go now ; meself and the minders are going back to Fagan's to help with the clean-up operation . Perpetua (Brady , that is - me 'Personal Secretary' : up ya boy ya ... !) says it would make for a "good PR exercise .. " so she's after tipping-off some of the media that I'll be there . Dunno , but - she's only on €627.06 cents a week so she can't be that good !
But I'll go anyways - fit in a few scoops of Bass after the cameras feck off , show me boat-race to the locals an' all tha' . Sure it's 'win-win' for me , anyway . As usual ! Love this bleedin' job , so I do ......


" Oh its so lonely 'round the fields ..... "

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